Becks vs Mom FIGHT!

Recently, I played a little game, it's called: Find the missing period. Welp, I found it, on the second line of an at home hcg test. The title of the game may lead you believe this means I won, on the contrary, I lost... I lost everything that was me... again.

When I think of "me" I think Mohawk, cool colored hair, Tattoos, pipe tobacco, corsets, archery, a hot bod, overall badassery. That's how I see "me", I'm so fucking cool... when I'm allowed to be... It took me a long time to figure "me" out, as I'm sure it does for everyone. We're all told expectations, and aspirations from other people, and over the years we have to rip ourselves out of those restraints, peel back the layers of conditioning, and free ourselves to who we really are. Once you get to this point, never fucking let go of that beautiful human being. He/she will be with you in all the worst times, this person guides you to happiness and fulfillment. This person, is your lifeline in this fucked up merry-go-round called life.

I want everyone reading this to love the person they are as much as I love, let's call her Becks. Becks is who I am when I feel like my life is where I want it to be. When I'm doing what I want to be doing. Becks is confident, happy, calm. Becks doesn't worry about the future, she lives in the now. She has a very successful career. She walks confidently in life, knowing that her choices will not harm others, and will bring her joy, and a sense of fulfillment. Becks is my hero.

I am not Becks... I was Becks, briefly, before I had my son, I was Becks for the two months I wasn't breastfeeding, or pregnant. Then, one stupid night, and I lost her again. I get another two fucking years of being whoever the hell this is... Mom, I guess. Notice how Becks isn't defined by kids, she may or may not have kids, but they are not part of her identity. Mom is different. She is nothing but diaper changes, breastfeeding, "I can't go out because I don't have a babysitter", bullshit. Mom is defined by kids, without them she doesn't exist, her sole purpose in life is caregiver. What does she do outside of that? Not a damned thing. Plenty of women find their true self in Mom, and that's great, you love the shit outta the bitch, but me? I hate her. She doesn't have time, energy, or motivation enough to take care of herself. Someone else always needs her, her whole existence is caring for someone else's needs. She could be two steps from suck starting a shotgun and no one would notice, not even her, because there are diapers to change, kicks to count, nursing to keep track of, tummy time to do, stories to read, snacks to get. She's too busy for her own feelings, her own dreams, her own aspirations, maybe later? I was Mom for two years. Two Hellish years of pregnancy, and breastfeeding. Two years of waking up in the middle of the night "Is Rayne okay?!"

I want to be Becks, but Mom is calling, and saying "time to turn off those silly dreams and emotions, we've got a blessing to make" Becks is screaming "You have goals! Dreams! Don't give up on them! Don't forget me! PLEASE GODS DON'T FORGET ME!" and I'm in the middle...

I don't want to be pregnant, but I don't think terminating is the right course either. Not to say it wasn't seriously considered. While other people may say "no, I never thought about abortion" I'm more than capable of saying it's what I wanted for at least a week. Then I remembered: I'm equipped to take care of this fuck up...I think... and things will turn out alright (Becks could make things turn out Awesome, but Mom is only capable of getting by). While it would be super convenient to not feel like shit for 9 months, push a human being out of my cervix and vagina, and then breastfeed for a year, I don't think abortion would put me in a much better place. It's really tempting though. "Fetus Deletus"...... Nope, still fucked over, awesome.

So Becks is impossible right now if I want a safe pregnancy, and I can't go back to Mom if I want to be remotely close to happy in my life, I clawed myself out of her once, don't know if I could do it again. So I need an in between. Let's analyze what I want to accomplish here. My first pregnancy was tackled very similarly to the one in the movie Juno. It was there, it was the source of snark and sarcasm, but I really wasn't 100% behind it. Many a time, I would get depressed, or anxious because, I wasn't ready for kids, I wanted to live more, see more, do more, be more. I didn't allow any pictures of the bump, and only took 3 pictures of my figure through the whole pregnancy. My second (and final) pregnancy was to be on my terms (shit), I was going to celebrate it (still don't even want it, I'm still hoping for ovarian tumors or anything other than a baby). So those are things I wanted... What can I have?
This sure as fuck didn't happen on my terms, for the second time, someone else's happiness was more important than my own (see the shit Mom gets me into?). We are moving, losing our health insurance, and primary source of income, I don't think a I could have picked a worse time.  

I can still celebrate this pregnancy, but first, I'm going to have to get to a point of wanting it. I am currently talking to a doctor about my very mild anxiety and depression, and I think we can get me to the point of wanting the pregnancy. Opinions can change, especially if one is open to the change. This can happen... maybe not until the third trimester, but I have hope for this one.

 

*At the time of publishing, I am in a much better place mentally. I have confirmed the pregnancy, and with how far along I am, may still have health insurance when I deliver. I felt some movement and actually celebrated the pregnancy a bit last night. This post was really necessary for me to at least write out. I feel it's important to publish, so that other women facing similar (or heaven forbid worse) situations. Know that these feelings are normal, they may or may not pass. Writing it all out helps a lot.*

Did you know having a kid changes your life forever? Go figure.

I recently saw a post on my Facebook feed that honestly, pissed me off. It shows up periodically, and everytime I see it I find more wrong with it. It's a long one so I'm going to do this; The lighter and smaller text is from the post, the darker larger text is my opinion on the matter.


We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"
"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. 
No shit? I've never heard that before. Please tell me more useless nonsense, and let's continue to avoid the question.
"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."
But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. 
Well, they are childbirth, not child-rearing classes...
I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable. 
I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her.
I often see stories and worry about if it was my child, or my husband, my brother, my mother, my father, etc. Empathy, is not exculsive to mothers.
That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die. 
I feel like I can grant this one, being that I have yet to be completely responsible for another being's nutrition. My cat eats on her own, I just fill the bowl... and only when my husband doesn't have time to.
I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moments hesitation.
I would drop the same silly things if I heard my husband, mother, grandparents, or siblings call for me in the same way. When people you care about need you, you drop things to go to them. This is again, not exclusive to mothers.
I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her
baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right. 
Again, I suppose I can grant this one, but I still feel like it depends on the woman, maybe she really enjoys her career. Let's not even get into the struggle that fathers have to go through, having the social stigma to be the breadwinners, but having the same urges. Let's not underestimate our men shall we?
I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming
children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom. 
I really hope this amount of paranoia doesn't take hold of me. I understand where it comes from, but I also feel like if we try to shelter our children from every bad person or thing, we aren't raising strong people, we are raising victims. Teach your child how to deal with shady people and avoid this whole paraniod silliness altogether.
However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.
Well I second guess if I should have taken that route to the grocery store or a different one, so looky there, nothing changes... again
Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. 
Are we going to go into this?
That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs. 
So, is that a 'No'? Also, you just said that she'll be willing to sacrifice herself for these tiny humans, but will want to be alive to see them happy... Sorry, thought that was just called love, and it was not exclusive to parenthood at all.
I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. 
This is one of the worst lines in this thing. If you are capable of accepting these scars, I applaud you. However, I will admit, that I am very vain, and flaws in my appearance bother me a lot. If I don't like something about my body, I will change it. I already have quite a few stretch marks on my butt and thighs and several breakdowns because of them. I can't ever see myself looking at those hideous things and being proud of them. A hideous badge of honor, is still hideous, despite the honor.
My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks.
I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. 
Another one that I'll grant, my husband and I were at a friends house and he helped them with their youngest who was a bit fussy. Seeing this little one cuddle into my husband's chest and to see my husband wrap his arms around him and comfort him, was really cute.
I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic. 
I don't think those reasons will ever be romantic. You can fall in love with someone for unromantic reasons, granted romance is usually a big part of it. There are unromantic moments that have made me love my husband more than the day before, and I don't think I need a child to be capable of that.
I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. 
I can't help but feel like this one is a bit back-handed. Sure the mothers who have fought against these things are driven, but there are other reasons to fight against these things than you have a child. It almost makes all the other activists seem like they aren't as important as the mother's.
I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike.
I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. 
THESE are things that I don't yet know, this is what I was looking for through the whole post, why are there only two lines of this?
I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts. 
Because all the joy you've felt before wasn't real. Clearly, this woman has never had her husband come home from a deployment... or hell, just call during the deployment.
My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say.
I have met plenty of women who regret having children when they did. You'll never regret having the child, but you might regret how, when, why, and with whom, you had children. 
Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.
Motherhood is not for everyone, do not assume that it's the "most wonderful of callings" when for many women, it isn't even on their radar. I get that motherhood is cool, but honestly, I have a hard time seeing a mother on such a high pedestal, for simply being a mother, that she looks down on everyone else. Also, again, leaving out the men.
Please share this with a Mom that you know or all of your girlfriends who may someday be Moms. May you always have in your arms the one who is in your heart."
Well isn't that just precious? I don't think there is an image, gif, video, or emoticon in existence that emulates the large amount of eye-role this gets from me. This post acts like poetry, like it's some form of wonderful wave of enlightenment. As someone who enjoys poetry, this is awful. It's just babble; talking about motherhood, without actually saying anything about motherhood. You want to do that? Write a blog. :-)