Becks vs Mom FIGHT!

Recently, I played a little game, it's called: Find the missing period. Welp, I found it, on the second line of an at home hcg test. The title of the game may lead you believe this means I won, on the contrary, I lost... I lost everything that was me... again.

When I think of "me" I think Mohawk, cool colored hair, Tattoos, pipe tobacco, corsets, archery, a hot bod, overall badassery. That's how I see "me", I'm so fucking cool... when I'm allowed to be... It took me a long time to figure "me" out, as I'm sure it does for everyone. We're all told expectations, and aspirations from other people, and over the years we have to rip ourselves out of those restraints, peel back the layers of conditioning, and free ourselves to who we really are. Once you get to this point, never fucking let go of that beautiful human being. He/she will be with you in all the worst times, this person guides you to happiness and fulfillment. This person, is your lifeline in this fucked up merry-go-round called life.

I want everyone reading this to love the person they are as much as I love, let's call her Becks. Becks is who I am when I feel like my life is where I want it to be. When I'm doing what I want to be doing. Becks is confident, happy, calm. Becks doesn't worry about the future, she lives in the now. She has a very successful career. She walks confidently in life, knowing that her choices will not harm others, and will bring her joy, and a sense of fulfillment. Becks is my hero.

I am not Becks... I was Becks, briefly, before I had my son, I was Becks for the two months I wasn't breastfeeding, or pregnant. Then, one stupid night, and I lost her again. I get another two fucking years of being whoever the hell this is... Mom, I guess. Notice how Becks isn't defined by kids, she may or may not have kids, but they are not part of her identity. Mom is different. She is nothing but diaper changes, breastfeeding, "I can't go out because I don't have a babysitter", bullshit. Mom is defined by kids, without them she doesn't exist, her sole purpose in life is caregiver. What does she do outside of that? Not a damned thing. Plenty of women find their true self in Mom, and that's great, you love the shit outta the bitch, but me? I hate her. She doesn't have time, energy, or motivation enough to take care of herself. Someone else always needs her, her whole existence is caring for someone else's needs. She could be two steps from suck starting a shotgun and no one would notice, not even her, because there are diapers to change, kicks to count, nursing to keep track of, tummy time to do, stories to read, snacks to get. She's too busy for her own feelings, her own dreams, her own aspirations, maybe later? I was Mom for two years. Two Hellish years of pregnancy, and breastfeeding. Two years of waking up in the middle of the night "Is Rayne okay?!"

I want to be Becks, but Mom is calling, and saying "time to turn off those silly dreams and emotions, we've got a blessing to make" Becks is screaming "You have goals! Dreams! Don't give up on them! Don't forget me! PLEASE GODS DON'T FORGET ME!" and I'm in the middle...

I don't want to be pregnant, but I don't think terminating is the right course either. Not to say it wasn't seriously considered. While other people may say "no, I never thought about abortion" I'm more than capable of saying it's what I wanted for at least a week. Then I remembered: I'm equipped to take care of this fuck up...I think... and things will turn out alright (Becks could make things turn out Awesome, but Mom is only capable of getting by). While it would be super convenient to not feel like shit for 9 months, push a human being out of my cervix and vagina, and then breastfeed for a year, I don't think abortion would put me in a much better place. It's really tempting though. "Fetus Deletus"...... Nope, still fucked over, awesome.

So Becks is impossible right now if I want a safe pregnancy, and I can't go back to Mom if I want to be remotely close to happy in my life, I clawed myself out of her once, don't know if I could do it again. So I need an in between. Let's analyze what I want to accomplish here. My first pregnancy was tackled very similarly to the one in the movie Juno. It was there, it was the source of snark and sarcasm, but I really wasn't 100% behind it. Many a time, I would get depressed, or anxious because, I wasn't ready for kids, I wanted to live more, see more, do more, be more. I didn't allow any pictures of the bump, and only took 3 pictures of my figure through the whole pregnancy. My second (and final) pregnancy was to be on my terms (shit), I was going to celebrate it (still don't even want it, I'm still hoping for ovarian tumors or anything other than a baby). So those are things I wanted... What can I have?
This sure as fuck didn't happen on my terms, for the second time, someone else's happiness was more important than my own (see the shit Mom gets me into?). We are moving, losing our health insurance, and primary source of income, I don't think a I could have picked a worse time.  

I can still celebrate this pregnancy, but first, I'm going to have to get to a point of wanting it. I am currently talking to a doctor about my very mild anxiety and depression, and I think we can get me to the point of wanting the pregnancy. Opinions can change, especially if one is open to the change. This can happen... maybe not until the third trimester, but I have hope for this one.

 

*At the time of publishing, I am in a much better place mentally. I have confirmed the pregnancy, and with how far along I am, may still have health insurance when I deliver. I felt some movement and actually celebrated the pregnancy a bit last night. This post was really necessary for me to at least write out. I feel it's important to publish, so that other women facing similar (or heaven forbid worse) situations. Know that these feelings are normal, they may or may not pass. Writing it all out helps a lot.*

N00b

I used to dedicate, on average upwards of 13 hours a week to religion.
4 hours on Sunday
1 1/2 hours every weekday morning
1+ hours twice a week to evening activities

This became exhausting for me because 1) My heart wasn't in the religion anymore and 2) I was running off of 5 hours of sleep on average through this, and had no option to just sleep through any of it.

Since I left that incredibly organized and structured group, I really haven't spent much time learning about my new faith. Part of this I can blame on our lack of organization. Most of it however falls on me. I need to make time for my Gods, they've always made time for me.

I have done a pretty good job at keeping washing day going. I  have also observed every major Blot of this year so far. However, in all the Facebook groups I belong to, I still feel like a lay member, with nothing to contribute. I've been decidedly Asatru for almost 5 years now, and still feel like I'm at beginner level. This is concerning to me. I need to find time between the diaper changes, the feedings, the budget planning, the doctor's and vet visits, the cleaning, the planning for life after the military, and everything else that comes with being a stay at home mom, to learn about my faith. I haven't read all the lore, I couldn't tell you about any of our important founders or figureheads, I have no clue about any of the archaeological finds, and I know very little about beings other than the Gods. The only thing I feel like I've got going for me is that I am kick-ass with bind runes.

So here's the plan internets!
1) Finish reading all the books and articles I have started (3 books, 5 articles, I have a problem with finishing reading)
2) Dedicate at least 1/2 an hour a day to learning about Asatru, increase to 1 hr after  month or two.
3) Ask questions in the Facebook Groups I belong to. I have a bad habit of just lurking around, if I don't ask I won't learn.

Here's hoping I can do better.

Flat Lined

As an Army wife (or oil field wife because you girls have it just as bad) your hopes are always on a roller coaster. He's coming home, he's leaving, you're going on vacation, plans have changed. To ride these emotions, not just every month or so, but every day is exhausting. Many wives, myself included, go numb. We flat line ourselves at no hope so that anything good that happens is a pleasant surprise, and all the bad is what we expected. Usually we believe this only applies to our husband's job, but in my experience, that' snot the case. It spreads into other aspects of your life, and clouds your mind with storms. This, is no way to live. There is no joy in this, it's a coping/ defense mechanism, and I feel like we really should break out of it. So my dears, what lights fires in your soul? What wakes your heart's drummer? What sparks your eyes and ignites your brain? I know what mine is. Please comment with your own.

I sort of lament that I found archery after Brave and Hunger Games came out. They weren't my reasons, or driving forces for getting into it, but every shop I've been to expects that from me. I can't say that I blame them for it either. No, my driving force is my soul. The first time I shot a bow...I was at girl's camp and there was no way 12 year old me was going to get that 30lbs compound bow to work for me, but my 2nd time shooting; I felt amazing, like I had been stumbling around in a dark room my whole life, and only just now had found the switch. I once told my husband that when I shoot, I am truly happy, the numbness that I've wrapped around my soul is lifted, and I can breathe again. When I shoot, I am strong, I am beautiful, I am precise, and unlike most things, if I fail and miss my target, I don't beat myself up, I correct and shoot again. I don't waist my time at the range wishing I did better, like I used to do after work every night at the theater. I leave the range with my head held high, proud of the progress I've made. My biggest downfall when I shoot is how excited I am to shoot. I get overexcited and forget to lower my elbow, or relax my wrists, or turn my hips. This will likely be my biggest hurdle throughout my archery career.

Oh yes, you read right, career. It has occurred to Kelson and I that he, being an introvert, and I , being an extrovert, would both be happier if I were to bring home the bacon. I rather like this idea, but I was really concerned over what on earth I could do to support my family, when we were finally done with the military. Admittedly, I had a very hard time thinking up anything that I could do to bring in enough money to support my family.When I pictured wealthy bread winning women, I always pictured someone well dressed walking around an office of some sort in a skyscraper.... That is not me. So I looked at my interests: Theater? No money to be had there. Designing? Yeah, that could work. In fact fashion design was my goal for awhile, then I picked up my bow again. The last time I had gone shooting was 10 months ago. My husband, probably sensing how numb I had become to everything around me, decided that we would go to the range on the weekend. Just holding my bow again made me giddy, and let's not get into what running my fingers down the fletching does to me. I was happy, really happy. Some time after I was thinking again about careers, and thought of that old saying. "find what you love, then find someone to pay you for it". I love Archery, now I just needed to find a way to get paid for it.

There's always tournaments, but they aren't really "supporting a family" income. My brother suggested big game hunting, sell 90% of the meat, keep some for my freezer, that way I literally bring home the bacon, and get money too. This is great, but I feel it depends too heavily on hunting seasons, and my ability to hunt down, not only an animal, but a buyer too. I could very easily do the first two ideas in conjunction with a day job, but how much time would I have with my family afterwards? Then, I looked into coaching. Turns out, that, maybe coupled with maybe a part-time job until I get a good amount of students, coaching could very likely support my family. I am currently looking into my own archery coach, and one day I will be able to not only do what I love, but get paid for it.

The key to avoiding the emotional flat line, is find something that you love (we all love our husbands, but let's face it, they aren't really dependable thanks to their jobs), and set a high, but obtainable goal for it. Yes, it's a distraction, yes, it's a coping/defense mechanism, but it's a much healthier one than the flat line, and you know it. So, revisit what you love to do, maybe find a new something, because, you don't deserve to be numb, you deserve to be happy. No,not happy, you deserve to set your soul on fire with joy. :-)