Flat Lined

As an Army wife (or oil field wife because you girls have it just as bad) your hopes are always on a roller coaster. He's coming home, he's leaving, you're going on vacation, plans have changed. To ride these emotions, not just every month or so, but every day is exhausting. Many wives, myself included, go numb. We flat line ourselves at no hope so that anything good that happens is a pleasant surprise, and all the bad is what we expected. Usually we believe this only applies to our husband's job, but in my experience, that' snot the case. It spreads into other aspects of your life, and clouds your mind with storms. This, is no way to live. There is no joy in this, it's a coping/ defense mechanism, and I feel like we really should break out of it. So my dears, what lights fires in your soul? What wakes your heart's drummer? What sparks your eyes and ignites your brain? I know what mine is. Please comment with your own.

I sort of lament that I found archery after Brave and Hunger Games came out. They weren't my reasons, or driving forces for getting into it, but every shop I've been to expects that from me. I can't say that I blame them for it either. No, my driving force is my soul. The first time I shot a bow...I was at girl's camp and there was no way 12 year old me was going to get that 30lbs compound bow to work for me, but my 2nd time shooting; I felt amazing, like I had been stumbling around in a dark room my whole life, and only just now had found the switch. I once told my husband that when I shoot, I am truly happy, the numbness that I've wrapped around my soul is lifted, and I can breathe again. When I shoot, I am strong, I am beautiful, I am precise, and unlike most things, if I fail and miss my target, I don't beat myself up, I correct and shoot again. I don't waist my time at the range wishing I did better, like I used to do after work every night at the theater. I leave the range with my head held high, proud of the progress I've made. My biggest downfall when I shoot is how excited I am to shoot. I get overexcited and forget to lower my elbow, or relax my wrists, or turn my hips. This will likely be my biggest hurdle throughout my archery career.

Oh yes, you read right, career. It has occurred to Kelson and I that he, being an introvert, and I , being an extrovert, would both be happier if I were to bring home the bacon. I rather like this idea, but I was really concerned over what on earth I could do to support my family, when we were finally done with the military. Admittedly, I had a very hard time thinking up anything that I could do to bring in enough money to support my family.When I pictured wealthy bread winning women, I always pictured someone well dressed walking around an office of some sort in a skyscraper.... That is not me. So I looked at my interests: Theater? No money to be had there. Designing? Yeah, that could work. In fact fashion design was my goal for awhile, then I picked up my bow again. The last time I had gone shooting was 10 months ago. My husband, probably sensing how numb I had become to everything around me, decided that we would go to the range on the weekend. Just holding my bow again made me giddy, and let's not get into what running my fingers down the fletching does to me. I was happy, really happy. Some time after I was thinking again about careers, and thought of that old saying. "find what you love, then find someone to pay you for it". I love Archery, now I just needed to find a way to get paid for it.

There's always tournaments, but they aren't really "supporting a family" income. My brother suggested big game hunting, sell 90% of the meat, keep some for my freezer, that way I literally bring home the bacon, and get money too. This is great, but I feel it depends too heavily on hunting seasons, and my ability to hunt down, not only an animal, but a buyer too. I could very easily do the first two ideas in conjunction with a day job, but how much time would I have with my family afterwards? Then, I looked into coaching. Turns out, that, maybe coupled with maybe a part-time job until I get a good amount of students, coaching could very likely support my family. I am currently looking into my own archery coach, and one day I will be able to not only do what I love, but get paid for it.

The key to avoiding the emotional flat line, is find something that you love (we all love our husbands, but let's face it, they aren't really dependable thanks to their jobs), and set a high, but obtainable goal for it. Yes, it's a distraction, yes, it's a coping/defense mechanism, but it's a much healthier one than the flat line, and you know it. So, revisit what you love to do, maybe find a new something, because, you don't deserve to be numb, you deserve to be happy. No,not happy, you deserve to set your soul on fire with joy. :-) 

Did you know having a kid changes your life forever? Go figure.

I recently saw a post on my Facebook feed that honestly, pissed me off. It shows up periodically, and everytime I see it I find more wrong with it. It's a long one so I'm going to do this; The lighter and smaller text is from the post, the darker larger text is my opinion on the matter.


We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"
"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. 
No shit? I've never heard that before. Please tell me more useless nonsense, and let's continue to avoid the question.
"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."
But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. 
Well, they are childbirth, not child-rearing classes...
I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable. 
I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her.
I often see stories and worry about if it was my child, or my husband, my brother, my mother, my father, etc. Empathy, is not exculsive to mothers.
That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die. 
I feel like I can grant this one, being that I have yet to be completely responsible for another being's nutrition. My cat eats on her own, I just fill the bowl... and only when my husband doesn't have time to.
I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moments hesitation.
I would drop the same silly things if I heard my husband, mother, grandparents, or siblings call for me in the same way. When people you care about need you, you drop things to go to them. This is again, not exclusive to mothers.
I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her
baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right. 
Again, I suppose I can grant this one, but I still feel like it depends on the woman, maybe she really enjoys her career. Let's not even get into the struggle that fathers have to go through, having the social stigma to be the breadwinners, but having the same urges. Let's not underestimate our men shall we?
I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming
children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom. 
I really hope this amount of paranoia doesn't take hold of me. I understand where it comes from, but I also feel like if we try to shelter our children from every bad person or thing, we aren't raising strong people, we are raising victims. Teach your child how to deal with shady people and avoid this whole paraniod silliness altogether.
However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.
Well I second guess if I should have taken that route to the grocery store or a different one, so looky there, nothing changes... again
Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. 
Are we going to go into this?
That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs. 
So, is that a 'No'? Also, you just said that she'll be willing to sacrifice herself for these tiny humans, but will want to be alive to see them happy... Sorry, thought that was just called love, and it was not exclusive to parenthood at all.
I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. 
This is one of the worst lines in this thing. If you are capable of accepting these scars, I applaud you. However, I will admit, that I am very vain, and flaws in my appearance bother me a lot. If I don't like something about my body, I will change it. I already have quite a few stretch marks on my butt and thighs and several breakdowns because of them. I can't ever see myself looking at those hideous things and being proud of them. A hideous badge of honor, is still hideous, despite the honor.
My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks.
I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. 
Another one that I'll grant, my husband and I were at a friends house and he helped them with their youngest who was a bit fussy. Seeing this little one cuddle into my husband's chest and to see my husband wrap his arms around him and comfort him, was really cute.
I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic. 
I don't think those reasons will ever be romantic. You can fall in love with someone for unromantic reasons, granted romance is usually a big part of it. There are unromantic moments that have made me love my husband more than the day before, and I don't think I need a child to be capable of that.
I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. 
I can't help but feel like this one is a bit back-handed. Sure the mothers who have fought against these things are driven, but there are other reasons to fight against these things than you have a child. It almost makes all the other activists seem like they aren't as important as the mother's.
I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike.
I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. 
THESE are things that I don't yet know, this is what I was looking for through the whole post, why are there only two lines of this?
I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts. 
Because all the joy you've felt before wasn't real. Clearly, this woman has never had her husband come home from a deployment... or hell, just call during the deployment.
My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say.
I have met plenty of women who regret having children when they did. You'll never regret having the child, but you might regret how, when, why, and with whom, you had children. 
Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.
Motherhood is not for everyone, do not assume that it's the "most wonderful of callings" when for many women, it isn't even on their radar. I get that motherhood is cool, but honestly, I have a hard time seeing a mother on such a high pedestal, for simply being a mother, that she looks down on everyone else. Also, again, leaving out the men.
Please share this with a Mom that you know or all of your girlfriends who may someday be Moms. May you always have in your arms the one who is in your heart."
Well isn't that just precious? I don't think there is an image, gif, video, or emoticon in existence that emulates the large amount of eye-role this gets from me. This post acts like poetry, like it's some form of wonderful wave of enlightenment. As someone who enjoys poetry, this is awful. It's just babble; talking about motherhood, without actually saying anything about motherhood. You want to do that? Write a blog. :-)