I worry, what else is new?

I want to adopt. I've wanted to adopt for a long time. Since I heard about childbirth actually. I wanted to be a mother, but pregnancy and labor didn't make me giddy at all. They still don't. I currently have one biological son, who is a little over a year. I was convinced that my next child would be adopted, I was looking into what kind of adoption I'd want, and researching like the anxious mad woman I am. Then, I got pregnant. If you want to know my thoughts on this pregnancy, see the post just before this one.

This post isn't so much about the pregnancy as it is about learning more about the future adoption. Since I now have the time to think on this. Specifically, it's about my adopted child, and their inevitable exposure to the Asatru community. I'm determined to raise my children as well versed atheists. If they choose to be theists of any sort, I want it to be their choice. I however, am well aware that my kids will be exposed to my own religion more frequently, and in a better light than other belief systems. (A post about how to keep religious education balanced may be in the future) The issue I'm foreseeing, is the Asatru community harming my adopted child.

I don't believe that they will purposefully, or even knowingly harm my child, but people say dumb things. Asatru has a strong emphasis on ancestors, and bloodlines. Ancestors are often called on before the gods because they simply care more about you and your well being. As far as I'm concerned, when I adopt my child, my ancestors are also adopting my child. I worry though, that the Asatruar will not see it that way. Conversations about ancestry happen daily in online Asatru communities. As I read them, I worry about my child seeing some of the negative comments.

Any thoughts from the interwebs that can put these worries to rest?

Becks vs Mom FIGHT!

Recently, I played a little game, it's called: Find the missing period. Welp, I found it, on the second line of an at home hcg test. The title of the game may lead you believe this means I won, on the contrary, I lost... I lost everything that was me... again.

When I think of "me" I think Mohawk, cool colored hair, Tattoos, pipe tobacco, corsets, archery, a hot bod, overall badassery. That's how I see "me", I'm so fucking cool... when I'm allowed to be... It took me a long time to figure "me" out, as I'm sure it does for everyone. We're all told expectations, and aspirations from other people, and over the years we have to rip ourselves out of those restraints, peel back the layers of conditioning, and free ourselves to who we really are. Once you get to this point, never fucking let go of that beautiful human being. He/she will be with you in all the worst times, this person guides you to happiness and fulfillment. This person, is your lifeline in this fucked up merry-go-round called life.

I want everyone reading this to love the person they are as much as I love, let's call her Becks. Becks is who I am when I feel like my life is where I want it to be. When I'm doing what I want to be doing. Becks is confident, happy, calm. Becks doesn't worry about the future, she lives in the now. She has a very successful career. She walks confidently in life, knowing that her choices will not harm others, and will bring her joy, and a sense of fulfillment. Becks is my hero.

I am not Becks... I was Becks, briefly, before I had my son, I was Becks for the two months I wasn't breastfeeding, or pregnant. Then, one stupid night, and I lost her again. I get another two fucking years of being whoever the hell this is... Mom, I guess. Notice how Becks isn't defined by kids, she may or may not have kids, but they are not part of her identity. Mom is different. She is nothing but diaper changes, breastfeeding, "I can't go out because I don't have a babysitter", bullshit. Mom is defined by kids, without them she doesn't exist, her sole purpose in life is caregiver. What does she do outside of that? Not a damned thing. Plenty of women find their true self in Mom, and that's great, you love the shit outta the bitch, but me? I hate her. She doesn't have time, energy, or motivation enough to take care of herself. Someone else always needs her, her whole existence is caring for someone else's needs. She could be two steps from suck starting a shotgun and no one would notice, not even her, because there are diapers to change, kicks to count, nursing to keep track of, tummy time to do, stories to read, snacks to get. She's too busy for her own feelings, her own dreams, her own aspirations, maybe later? I was Mom for two years. Two Hellish years of pregnancy, and breastfeeding. Two years of waking up in the middle of the night "Is Rayne okay?!"

I want to be Becks, but Mom is calling, and saying "time to turn off those silly dreams and emotions, we've got a blessing to make" Becks is screaming "You have goals! Dreams! Don't give up on them! Don't forget me! PLEASE GODS DON'T FORGET ME!" and I'm in the middle...

I don't want to be pregnant, but I don't think terminating is the right course either. Not to say it wasn't seriously considered. While other people may say "no, I never thought about abortion" I'm more than capable of saying it's what I wanted for at least a week. Then I remembered: I'm equipped to take care of this fuck up...I think... and things will turn out alright (Becks could make things turn out Awesome, but Mom is only capable of getting by). While it would be super convenient to not feel like shit for 9 months, push a human being out of my cervix and vagina, and then breastfeed for a year, I don't think abortion would put me in a much better place. It's really tempting though. "Fetus Deletus"...... Nope, still fucked over, awesome.

So Becks is impossible right now if I want a safe pregnancy, and I can't go back to Mom if I want to be remotely close to happy in my life, I clawed myself out of her once, don't know if I could do it again. So I need an in between. Let's analyze what I want to accomplish here. My first pregnancy was tackled very similarly to the one in the movie Juno. It was there, it was the source of snark and sarcasm, but I really wasn't 100% behind it. Many a time, I would get depressed, or anxious because, I wasn't ready for kids, I wanted to live more, see more, do more, be more. I didn't allow any pictures of the bump, and only took 3 pictures of my figure through the whole pregnancy. My second (and final) pregnancy was to be on my terms (shit), I was going to celebrate it (still don't even want it, I'm still hoping for ovarian tumors or anything other than a baby). So those are things I wanted... What can I have?
This sure as fuck didn't happen on my terms, for the second time, someone else's happiness was more important than my own (see the shit Mom gets me into?). We are moving, losing our health insurance, and primary source of income, I don't think a I could have picked a worse time.  

I can still celebrate this pregnancy, but first, I'm going to have to get to a point of wanting it. I am currently talking to a doctor about my very mild anxiety and depression, and I think we can get me to the point of wanting the pregnancy. Opinions can change, especially if one is open to the change. This can happen... maybe not until the third trimester, but I have hope for this one.

 

*At the time of publishing, I am in a much better place mentally. I have confirmed the pregnancy, and with how far along I am, may still have health insurance when I deliver. I felt some movement and actually celebrated the pregnancy a bit last night. This post was really necessary for me to at least write out. I feel it's important to publish, so that other women facing similar (or heaven forbid worse) situations. Know that these feelings are normal, they may or may not pass. Writing it all out helps a lot.*

Inner Dialogue

Deep breathes, let it go. It's not that important... is it? 
It is important, very important. It hurt on so many levels how could it not be?
You're over reacting, (like always) it wasn't that big a deal.
If anything, I'm under-reacting. If I don't address this it's just going to get worse. My emotions are not invalid, my feelings are real, and actually effect my life and well being. I have value, my thoughts have value. Not more than anyone else's, but just as much as anyone else's.
You were in the wrong
Yes I was, but I apologized for that
More may need to be done
True, for both sides. At least I've done something, I was heartfelt with my actions... There would have been no action from the other side if we didn't threaten them. 
You shouldn't have escalated things
I dissargge, it was a rational action, I'm not obligated to take that sort of abuse. She shouldn't have escalated how she did, calmer, gentler words, should have been used. But what's done is done, we both had our very valid reasons for our actions. How do I fix this?
Ignore it, let it fade into obscurity.
No, that doesn't fix things, building a house on a cracked foundation is not how I want to procede.
Then talk to her
... I'm hessitant, I can't be sure that it will help, what if it makes things worse? What if I ruin everything by trying to fix it all?
Is there anything to fix? Isn't this how it's always been?
There's plenty to fix, if this happened once, it'll happen again. It might happen to my son, he doesn't deserve that. Just because we always ignore the bad stuff doesn't mean it's not there. I refuse to teach my son this sort of tactic for dealing with difficult things.
Then how would you want him to handle this sort of situation?
.... I don't know....

Try... Try to fix it, but carefully... Talking may be neccesary... but we're both likely to get clumsy if we talk in person, or in real time... maybe a written conversation?
That's cowardly
Maybe, but it's something, and boldness will not win me any points here... things need to change, but I will do all in my power to change them for the better. If that means slowly and carefully proceding in a way, commonly seen as cowardly, so be it. It's more cowardly to say nothing.


Time to tend to the mending 

N00b

I used to dedicate, on average upwards of 13 hours a week to religion.
4 hours on Sunday
1 1/2 hours every weekday morning
1+ hours twice a week to evening activities

This became exhausting for me because 1) My heart wasn't in the religion anymore and 2) I was running off of 5 hours of sleep on average through this, and had no option to just sleep through any of it.

Since I left that incredibly organized and structured group, I really haven't spent much time learning about my new faith. Part of this I can blame on our lack of organization. Most of it however falls on me. I need to make time for my Gods, they've always made time for me.

I have done a pretty good job at keeping washing day going. I  have also observed every major Blot of this year so far. However, in all the Facebook groups I belong to, I still feel like a lay member, with nothing to contribute. I've been decidedly Asatru for almost 5 years now, and still feel like I'm at beginner level. This is concerning to me. I need to find time between the diaper changes, the feedings, the budget planning, the doctor's and vet visits, the cleaning, the planning for life after the military, and everything else that comes with being a stay at home mom, to learn about my faith. I haven't read all the lore, I couldn't tell you about any of our important founders or figureheads, I have no clue about any of the archaeological finds, and I know very little about beings other than the Gods. The only thing I feel like I've got going for me is that I am kick-ass with bind runes.

So here's the plan internets!
1) Finish reading all the books and articles I have started (3 books, 5 articles, I have a problem with finishing reading)
2) Dedicate at least 1/2 an hour a day to learning about Asatru, increase to 1 hr after  month or two.
3) Ask questions in the Facebook Groups I belong to. I have a bad habit of just lurking around, if I don't ask I won't learn.

Here's hoping I can do better.